Fawkes went to the Bridge today at about 6:30pm.

Dr. Kate said that he did not rip himself open - the tumors were dying & basically rotting inside him, they needed to drain, but had no where to go, so it created its own path.

She said we could probably remove the tumors and ease his breathing difficulty, but she had no idea of whether the cancer would be aggravated by the surgery to do so. She also didn't know if his wound would heal, given that he is on immunosuppressants.

I just felt like I would be putting him through more pain just because I didn't want to say goodbye.

We visited before he went, then he just went to sleep in my hand.

Dr. Kate did a necropsy this evening & is sending samples out to a national lab that deals with exotics more than the local labs.

She has agreed to post Fawkes' treatment, and the results of his necropsy on VIN.

Fawkes will be cremated, I still don't know what I'm going to do with his ashes.

Thank you everyone for being here with me through all this, this is so hard...

I'm so sorry...

Gina I am So sorry,

I'm so sorry Gina

Im so sorry Gina! Know that you have tons of people here who care about you and even though we arent near, we are here for you!

Gina, I know that everyone of us here on GC is crying with you tonight. It was like Fawkes belonged to all of us. We're all here for you.

I have to tell you that I think you're alot braver than I could ever be and you have earned my respect.

We love you Gina.

My heart goes out to you, Gina! I am so very sorry. You have done everything in your power to help your precious Fawkes and you take pride in that!


Jen

RIP sweet

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry Gina!

Sweet sleep dear little Fawkes.

Gina...this was the first thread I came to, just walking in the door, I was so hoping for some miracle...I'm so sorry Gina...my heart breaks for you truly...I'll light a candle, right now, and hope it brings you some peace.

Gina, I'm so very sorry. Tears for you and Fawkes, but I KNOW he's waiting for you now, too

Gina,
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Sending healing huggs & prayers your way.

Anita

Gina, I am so sorry for your loss.

Gina, I will light a candle to celebrate Fawkes and the love he gave. My heart and prayers go out to you. You gave him the ultimate gift of love, to take away his pain. A pain, I know all too well, you will now carry in your heart. I pray the wonderful memories of your time together will soon help you to smile through your tears.

Soar high, Fawkes, on your new wings of gold. I know you will be surrounded by love at the bridge, just as you were here. We will do our best to take care of your mom. God bless and Godspeed.

Gina, I'm so very sorry to hear about Fawkes. I know that he will be waiting for you across the bridge and will be healthy and whole the next time you see him.

Gina,

I am sorry to hear about Fawkes. You had a terrible decision to make and you made it out of love for him.

May your memories of him comfort you in the days to come.

Fawkes if gliding healthy and free over the Rainbow Bridge.

Sincerest Sympathy,

Fawkes time here was short but he was given an eternity of love by you.
I'm crying with you, remembering Fawkes and your struggles, and remembering my own Dawn and Winken.

Gina, yours is a story of true love and dedication for a pet turned family member!!! Know that you went above and beyond what most humans would do for each other! Much less a pet. As a Nurse, I see people with the same condition that are left to die alone, with no loved ones to comfort and care. You are a truly special person!!!! I am in tears right now, and I don't even know you.

Sleep easy little man... you will be missed...

Thank you everyone - without your support, I don't know if I would have been able to do any of this. (((HUGS)))

Now I worry for his remaining family - Zoe had JUST stopped overgrooming, hopefully she will be okay with Cino & Seti. I also worry about Cino, these last few days, he was always with dad, each time I would go check on them - I think he knew something was wrong.

There was no barking or calling last night, but I also noticed that that cage did not eat all of their mealies last night, which is very weird because they always finish their mealies within 30 minutes of me putting them in there. Of course, I forgot last night when I counted them, not to put Fawkes' portion in there - but I know Fawkes didn't touch mealies for at least a few weeks before he passed, so it shouldn't have made a difference.

I am going to continue putting the Immuny II & Be Happy herbals in their Priscilla's mix. The Immuny II is also supposed to act as a preventative, so that hopefully I won't see this in Fawkes' brother, nephew, or sons.

To John & Bo, Jen, Jaimee, & Michelle - Please be vigilant in checking for lumps on Fawkes' daughters, neices, and nephews.

If, God forbid, lymphoma turns up - I highly recommend the Elspar treatment right off the bat. I think this may have made the difference with Fawkes & would perhaps not have let him get to such a weak state. Dr. Kate believed the treatment was working, I just felt Fawkes was too weakened & having too many problems to continue with it.

Gina, my friend... i am so sorry to find this post... I know how much you love your fur kids, and i know this has been a terrible time for you. You did the right thing, i am aa firm beliver in quality of life. He was such a little fighter for sure. many hugs and love to you!

Oh Gina, I am so sorry. I know that must have been such a hard decision to make. I know Fawkes is waiting for you, fully healed, over the bridge.

Dear Gina, I tried to wait til I stopped sobbing to write this but the tears won't stop. I am so very very sorry to know that sweet little Fawkes lost his battle. I hoped and prayed so hard. If love and hopes could have saved him, he would be here still, healthy and whole, because everyone here loves and grieves for him. Know that your sharing your experience may one day, save the life of other gliders. That will be Fawkes legacy. He has not died in vain.

Gina...it hurts so much...just know I am here in spirit with you in your pain . You did the right thing...someday the pain will ease and one day, you will see Fawkes again so happy and pain free! Godspeed little Fawkes!

Karin

I'm so sorry Gina.

Gina, you did everything you could right, from the beginning to the end. It's the hardest thing to try and do what we can or feel we should for these babies. I don't discuss things on the board here but I am going through the fight of saving a suggie at this time. The constant worry and tears, ups and downs. We question everything we do or don't do, Thank you for sharing everything you've been through with your baby, it helps others immensely in their thoughts and decisions with their own suggies.

Because of your fight to try and save Fawkes, my own "flight" kicked out and my "fight" kicked in. After losing Peanut, I felt that a very sick suggie was doomed no matter. This time, the fight is working, this little "senior girl" seems to be getting well.

Love and HUGS to you Gina. I told Peanut to meet Fawkes at the bridge.

I'm so sorry Gina.

In the colors of the setting sun yesterday, I saw a star so bright it made all the other stars pale in comparison. My attention was eventually pulled away from it, but I feel that star was the spirit of Fawkes...shining so brightly out there in the blue of the coming evening.

May you find comfort and peace in setting his soul free...and know that he loves you for all the unconditional love you poured out to him!

I don't know how to put this without sounding morbid, but I still am unsure of what to do with Fawkes' ashes.

I don't want to bury them, because I have this weird "thing" about putting him outside. It's cold and wet, and lonely. I know that sounds ridiculous, but that's how I feel.

If I have a "box" or something to that effect made for him & keep him in the house, will it just be harder to let go?

What do you guys think? Any ideas I haven't come up with?

Ok, I have ashes of many of my dogs, and although I have not lost a glider, when the time comes, I will have cremation done and keep the ashes, as well. Here is something a friend of mine did with her dogs ashes. They usually will come in a plastic bag, inside either a can or a box (unless you order a seal urn). She found a stuffed dog that was similar to her dog, took the stitching out of the back, took some of the stuffing out, and put the ashes, in the bag, inside, put stuffing back in and restitched it. She said that on nights when she missed being able to hold and touch him, she would hold the stuffed dog with the ashes and it helped. I have not done that, but think it is not a bad idea. We humans have a need for physical touch, and I think when we lose an animal (and even people) we miss being able to hold them. Although certainly not a 'replacement', it fills the need to hold onto something, and with the ashes, it is still a part of them. Does that make sense? Plus, it is a little less obvious to others (some people feel awkard having ashes and having to explain). Also, if you go on Ebay (at least they used to be there) or just google it, they make tiny urns that are on a chain (in many different shapes and sizes) and you can put a little of the ashes in and seal it permanantly. That way, you can always have a part of them with you. I have many friends who also have done this. It is a very personal decision, but I hope these ideas will help you find what is right for you. God bless.

I lost my beloved Siberian Husky 2 years ago next month and I have her ashes in a box on a shelf with an angel on top of it. Her collar is also draped on the box. My sons pictures are also on the shelf. Most people don't even notice the box. I really like the stuffed animal idea and the charm idea. I will have to look into that.

Thank you for the suggestions, they are all good...

I saw a small (like 3" wide x 1" tall) heart urn on ebay, it just looks like a pretty paperweight. I think I may do that.

I would do the stuffed animal thing, but I have dogs, so no stuffed animal is safe it my house, and that would just kill me if they ever ate the special one.

I like the idea of the necklace, but I don't like the idea of separating portions of his ashes. It just seems like they should stay together.

I think I will wait & see how much space I need.

This is probably one of the top 5 weirdest conversations I've ever had...

Oh, I forgot to mention, I have a friend that does sort of stepping stones (like you see in gardens) and uses broken glass and does pics (I had one done of Jake, my rottie.) When Jake had his leg amputated, I had them keep two toenails for me (strange, but something I wanted). Anyway, I had her do a stone for me, and I sent her some of his ashes, some of the fur I clipped and one of the toenails. She put all of that in the mix for the stone. Interestingly, when you turn it over, the toenail rose to the top and you can feel it. Certainly not something for everyone, but I love it. I will have to get a pic of it. I understand about the stuffies and dogs, same reason I didn't do it, but thought I would offer it.

Gina, this past year Bo and i had to let our two cats goes.. withing three moths of each other .. it was very difficult, Bo opted for the brass erns, we have two matching ... i like still having them with us ...

Gina we have a Granite stone place here in CT that can etch a photo on the front of a stone and they can drill a hole in the underside so I can put the ashes inside then seal it closed.

Just another thought and this is not a strange question sometimes others have idea's that you or I would not think about.

This is yet another idea I heard of before if you grow plants then you could bury the ashes in the pot and place a beautiful flower in it.

Thank you for all the suggestions - I didn't think this would be so hard.

I have looked at a LOT of urns today & really there haven't been any where I said "that's the one"...

If I'm doing the calculations correctly, there should only be 0.25 cu in of ash, so I'm wondering if all would fit in one of those pendants or keepsake urns. I have emailed a seller with that question.

I miss him so much already, I can't even think about him without welling up

What about having Peggy do a wood burned box? Course it would be a bit of time involved due to the storm??

That was actually my very first thought, but it would have to be sealed somehow, just in case I knock it over or something.

I don't know how she would do that - most of the urns have rubber gaskets, threaded lids & some type of adhesive used to seal them. Not sure how handy Peggy is with that kind of stuff...

Sorry Linda I forgot you do them too. Very nice work also.

Gina I don't think it is a weird convcersation at all. Almost 2 years later is still gives me peace to have her here with me. If I had to evacuate I would take her ashes with me, but that is just me. i tell my mother who is almost 75 and wants to be creamated that her ashes and my dogs ashes are going to be buried with me.

Thank you Linda (((HUGS)))

Once I did the conversion - I realized what a tiny amount of ashes I will have. I am wondering if all of his ashes would fit in one of those pendants - some of them are really pretty and you can't even tell what they are. There is something comforting about keeping him close to my heart.

I have emailed a couple places to see if I can fit all of his ashes in one of those - I still haven't heard back...

Linda - if the pendant won't hold all of his ashes, I will definately want you to make something special for him!

Gina, I'm late coming in here to tell you how sorry I am about Fawkes, but I wanted to let you know that you have been in my thoughts. I saw this post and meant to reply, but I guess I didn't.

I feel like keeping ashes of a pet is a very comforting thing to do. My parents first did that for our German Shepherd, Schnapps and they've done it for their Giant Schnauzer, Barron and we did with with our Finnish Spitz, Biscuit. It's nice to still have them around. Besides, the "Pet Cemetery" out by the tree on their property has gotten pretty full over the past 20-something years and the ground is difficult to dig in. I found a peaceful area on our new property where I buried Jeepers, but the ground is even rockier than out at my parents' place so I don't know if that's where others will be or not.

I decided on a large heart pendant from: http://www.whisperintheheart.com/with/with.html

I will be able to put all of his ashes in it & it will be engraved with his name.

Thank you everyone for all your well wishes & for helping me make this very difficult decision (((HUGS)))

I'm so sorry for your lose. It's hard to loose a member of the family.
I just read in an issue of "cat fancy" about a women who uses the ashes and creates a painting with them. I thought that was so cool. I also know that "build a bear" will allow you to build a bear incorporating the ashes.

Gina, i'd been away from GC for sometime, and did not see the news about poor Fawkes..i knew he had lymphoma but..
my condolences, i know you did all you could for him, and i believe you did the right thing letting him cross over the bridge. he's in such a beautiful place right now, patiently waiting to be reunited with his family.
the pendant urn idea is beautiful, he will always be so close to your heart.
i will say a special prayer for you and light a candle for Fawkes tonight.

Gina what a great idea and it will be so nice to have him close to you always.

That is the company my friend got hers from(she got the bone). I am glad you found something that will give you some peace, Gina. It is a beautiful place to keep Fawkes.

I only got to speak with Dr. Kate briefly this morning, she said that it was lymphoblastic lymphoma and that Fawkes had some liver issues associated with his reluctancy to eat.

I have an appointment at 5:30 tonight to go over everything with her & I will be sure to post once I get home.

(((Gina))) Will be watching for an update on this.

Gina, I haven't been able to post much but I want you to know I am so sorry for what has happened to you on this. After losing Apollo, my heart goes out to you!

I went this evening to speak to Dr. Kate about what she found during Fawkes' necropsy as well as the lab results.

While I was waiting for her to come in, I realized that they had placed me in the very room where Fawkes took his last breaths. I was sitting on the same bench, in the same spot, looking at the same pictures. All of a sudden I could hardly breathe - I think I had a panic attack, I don't know, because I've never had one before, but I couldn't breathe & I just started sobbing & all of a sudden I remembered everything about those last few minutes. I even remembered what I was wearing, which I can't even recall right now. But it was horrible, just thinking about it is making me cry all over again. I thought the worst part of this was over.

Ok, I've vented, onto what you guys have been waiting for. Full results have been posted on VIN by Katherine Zimmerman, DVM, Bluff City, TN

Fawkes had lymphoblastic lymphoma, otherwise known as large cell lymphoma. This is the bad kind, the kind that is hard to treat, that typically doesn't respond to anything. He was coughing because the cancer had eaten away half of his trachea. When Dr. Kate opened him up, she could see that the cartilage on the back side was completely gone. The same was happening to his jugular vein, half of it was covered in cancer.

She said that he was otherwise a perfectly healthy little boy, except for some liver damage that was caused by his diet and appetite trouble due to the cancer. Remarks about his liver were: Severe, diffuse hepatic apoptosis, most likely resulting from anorexia.

The tumor behind his head did shrink some, as did the main tumor on his neck. 90% of the tumor on his neck underwent extremely severe coagulative necrosis when it separated from its blood supply, then it made the split in Fawkes side to drain. The remaining 10% was invaded and replaced by large neoplastic lymphoblasts. This was classed as an intermediate grade lymphoma.

As hard as I thought I was trying, I let my boy starve for a week with half a trachea

Awww, Gina, I am sorry. You did not start him. You loved him and were trying to help him. He knows that, as do we. Cancer is called 'The Beast' for very good reason. It seems to follow no rules and can change direction at any time.
'She said that he was otherwise a perfectly healthy little boy'......he was that way BECAUSE OF YOU AND YOUR LOVING CARE. Please remember that!

I am sorry tonight brought all your intense pain back. I know it won't take it all away, but go love on Sekwaf, tell him all about his namesake. Remember all the GOOD MEMORIES, relive them, it will help you to heal. Yes, you will cry, but the tears will be rimmed with the pure joy you felt when those memories were created.

You are in my prayers, my friend.

Thank you for sharing that, I know that was not easy.

I just opened the box they gave me so I could transfer his ashes to the silver cremation pendant I bought for him & there's FUR in the box! What were they thinking?????????

And there are like 3 times as many ashes as there are supposed to be - is this even Fawkes?

I'm so upset I can't stop shaking!!!!!!!!

OMG monster now I don't want to open mine! I haven't been able to yet maybe I should keep it that way. There is just no reason for that type of thing to happen. I am sorry you had to see that at all.

I am so sorry. what are you going to do?

Fur? I would call them, that is not right (unless you asked for some of his fur. I took some from my dog myself when he went to the bridge, but that is different.) I am so sorry.

I wish I hadn't opened it - I wouldn't have if I hadn't planned on putting him in the silver pendant. But now I have doubts that this is even Fawkes.

It was supposed to be less than a teaspoon of ash, and its at least a tablespoon, plus the fur. I don't want to call them. what are they going to do, look through the ashes, figure out which ones are really Fawkes' and straighten it out?

This is just horrifying, I haven't stopped bawling since I opened it.

Oh Gina, I am so sorry. Is there someone that can call for you and ask what is normal? I have only had one animal cremated, but there was more ash than what I expected or was told to expect. But if they made a mistake, they need to know so the same thing doesn't happen to someone else going through what you are.

I do understand about losing it when you go back into the room, I had that experience recently and didn't realize it would be so hard either. Fawkes's loss will creep up on you sometimes in ways and at times you don't expect. But it does get better and you will see him again. Someone told me recently that it's a sad twist that the people that love them so fiercely are the ones that feel their loss so strongly.

Gina -

this sounds awful and how terrible for you. But - if they did not heat/burn enough to burn all the fur, there will be more remains.

It is probably Fawkes - just a bad cremation. I am so sorry that this happened to you. It really bites.

This is just not fair. You do not deserve any more pain from this whole heart breaking experience. My heart goes out to you.

I am so sorry....

Pat

I am so very sorry Gina my friend .

Karin

Gina, your love for Fawkes is what matters. Thank you for posting the information about him, it must have been hard, but it is so important.

Gina,
I don't even know what to say. I'm so sorry.
I wish I was there to give you a big hug.

I don't know why they did what they did - I can't fathom the thought process, or why they wouldn't ask me.

But I can't cry anymore, I don't have the strength or the tears left.

And the animals that are still with me need their Mommy back whole.

I have decided to have Linda make Fawkes a beautiful box to house all of his remains, as well as the engraved pendant I had made for him, and his duckie blankie.

Whats done is done, I need to let Fawkes be at peace.

Thank you everyone for all your support & hugs.

My vet called me - apparently my mom called her office & complained (since I was so upset).

Dr. Kate called me to explain. She said that she was responsible for the fur. She said that she used to ask clients before she did it, but that everyone always said yes, so she stopped asking. And that Fawkes was so small that the amount she took just happened to be most of his back. She apologized and said that she didn't mean to upset me - which I know is true.

She agreed that there was too much ash - she said that the crematorium probably didn't clean out the crematory well before they cremated Fawkes and I probably ended up with a couple grams of "other" ash.

Gina, Fawkes lives in your heart. His soul is entwined with yours and that can never be seperated. You both deserve some peace. I am sorry you have been through so much.

AWwwww Gina I am so so so sorry you loved Fawkes and he knew that.

Gina, I am so sorry for all that has continued to happen At least you have all your answers now. May your heart heal quickly and may you remember only the love.

aw, sweetie, I haven't been able to get online-I'm so sorry. If it helps, think of the 'couple extra grams' as someone else's beloved pet(s) who they cared enough to cremate and keep too-that will keep Fawkes company when you're not there. I would have given ANYTHING for a piece even of BabyBoy-they wouldn't even let me have his tail I specifically asked for-though why they had to keep his tail to rabies test an animal that doesnt' get rabies is beyond me.

The only experience I have with cremated remains are my grandfather's-I was the only one in the family at the time with the constitution, I guess, to deal with it. As I took them home from the funeral home, then to the Arlington Cemetery in Riverside, CA, all I could think was I was holding a man (the one who mostly raised me after my father died) who in life was over 6 feet tall and I couldn't ever have even picked up alive-in my hands. I know some wouldn't agree-but I think having some of his fur is something to treasure-he doesn't need it any more-he's got a perfect coat at the Bridge where he's playing now. One thought would be to have a pendant made of glass or clear plastic with some of the fur inside-and you'll always remember the exact color that he was. Just a thought for it.