DEAR CRABBY: My humans are dumb. I wantz yogies. But they jez wantz to grab me at with their big scary claws.
What dooz I do?
WIGGLY IN WASHINGTON
DEAR WIGGLY: Thanks for writing. Humans do love to grab, It's true. Training your human early is important. First thing, is to make them scared to grabz you. Sometimes, just bite them for no reason at all. Their big paws are squishy and soft. And save up lots of poop and pee--and pee in their big claws.
***Dear Crabby is not affiliated UEXPRESS.COM or any of its contributors. Dear Crabby is a fictional non-human character of questionable intelligence and judgement, and her advice is to be considered purely comedic.***
DEAR CRABBY: I've fallen in luvz wit the glider next door, but I'm so shy! He iz so well groomed and his butt smellz so good, but I just freeze up whenever he'z around.
How do I tellz Arrow that I want to share hiz pouch...?
DEAR WINKLES: The best way to start is to get some of his food. Eet his food, and soon your butt will smell like his butt. He will like this. When the moon shines, and your mommy time comez he will want to make babiez with you. Also poop a lot in places where you know he likes to go. Your poopz will remind him of your smell. This will make him happy and he will want to make babiez with you more.
***Dear Crabby is not affiliated UEXPRESS.COM or any of its contributors. Dear Crabby is a fictional non-human character of questionable intelligence and judgement, and her advice is to be considered purely comedic.***
Kimberley Feathers-Sweetie, Mister Peanut & Big Mack Fur-Guinan, Mr. Spock, T'Mir, Cho, Toothless, Maverick & Maharet T'Pol, Elizabeth & Curzon TY, TJ, Light Fury, Madison & T'Pring Forever in my heart, Gizmo, Tucker, Khayman and the rest of my babies over the
Great, thanks! It went like this. I got off work early and decided to try catching up on some pc things. Up wakes Ollie, it's not unusual for him to wake up around 5, but normally goes back to sleep for another hour or so. He still likes to be the first one up for feeding time. So I'm on the computer (right next to the cage).
Ollie: Momz! You home momz?
Me: Yes Ollie, momz got off work early today.
Ollie: I'z hungry momz.
Me: Yes I'm sure, I'll feed you in a little bit, still too early. Hey, btw, you know that forum I post pics of you'all on? Well they have a new columnist, and advice columnist to help give advice to furbutts like you to ask a question you might want help on how to resolve it. Anyway, I notice you seem to have some issue with feeding time and was wondering if you'd like to ask a question that you'd like some help with, I'll help you write it. So would you?
Ollie: Yeeaaz pleaze!
Me: Okay, Ollie, the colomnist name is Dear Crabby, so let's begin with that.
Ollie: Hu-man joke?
Me: No Ollie, no joke, it's Dear Crabby.
Ollie: Dear Crabby, How do you get your momz to give you food earlier?
Me: Ollie, this is your question you need help with?
Ollie: Yeeaaz, it-is.
Me: We've been over this Ol, momz can't feed you until after I get home from work, there's nothing anyone can say to help with that.
Ollie: I'z like to change my question pleaze.
Me: Okay, go on.
Ollie: Dear Crabby, I live with two girls and they like to take food from each other and me. I now chaze'em away, but I just want all the da green beans to myself. How can I keep the girls from eating my green beans?
DEAR CRABBY: My little zister start an advice column on the webz. But she is mean and givz zelfish advise on the sharing of yummiez. Doez she wantz Daddy-Tree to know who it waz that atez hiz Barry Mainlow recordz?
Hide your credit and debit cards, I caught Tucker trying to activate one of mine a few years ago.
Kimberley Feathers-Sweetie, Mister Peanut & Big Mack Fur-Guinan, Mr. Spock, T'Mir, Cho, Toothless, Maverick & Maharet T'Pol, Elizabeth & Curzon TY, TJ, Light Fury, Madison & T'Pring Forever in my heart, Gizmo, Tucker, Khayman and the rest of my babies over the
I think he flirted with everyone! Plus he got us great deals at Joann Fabrics. Like fleece for 2.99 a yard, which was supposed to be an online only thing, but the email they sent me didn't say that, plus the guy gave us an additional 20% off of everything that day. We spent about 160.00 and had a savings of 6 to 700.00.
Kimberley Feathers-Sweetie, Mister Peanut & Big Mack Fur-Guinan, Mr. Spock, T'Mir, Cho, Toothless, Maverick & Maharet T'Pol, Elizabeth & Curzon TY, TJ, Light Fury, Madison & T'Pring Forever in my heart, Gizmo, Tucker, Khayman and the rest of my babies over the
Dear Crabby, my momz do not know I'z on here, so I haz to typez fastez. I amz still very angriez at you for anzwer on giving my green beanz to my girl glider mates. I'z do not like this anzwer, so please send better, new anzwer, so I amz not be angriez anymore.
My MA sayz we don' get no mo corwn after dis batch... I not happy. But MA says Dottie might share better if'n we don' eat it no mo...
I hear her talkn' 'bout a bigger cage too... She ain' got no bidniss doin' dat!!!!
Dottie say she gonna move inta' Ma's draw-eer's drawer if'n she do!!! Dat fine wit me!!! I jes' move into Ma's bed pillow... she don' know I dun foun' dat hole where the stuffins' came out...
DEAR HUNGRY: I'z sorry for bad answer. I'z sorry youz are mad. I gotz a better answer! When your humanz come to give youz the yumies, you sneaks out and pee on allz day green beanz! Then your sisterz think they are bad...and don't likez green beanz anymore. Then youz get all youz want!
***Dear Crabby is not affiliated UEXPRESS.COM or any of its contributors. Dear Crabby is a fictional non-human character of questionable intelligence and judgement, and her advice is to be considered purely comedic.***
DEAR SCARED AND HUNGRY: Humanz are dumb. You need to let yourz mommy-tree know dat youz are mad. Da bezt way iz to poop and pee on dem--right down dee backs of der neck. It'z good spot--makes dem dance and make funny noizes!
***Dear Crabby is not affiliated UEXPRESS.COM or any of its contributors. Dear Crabby is a fictional non-human character of questionable intelligence and judgement, and her advice is to be considered purely comedic.***
DEAR HUNGRY: I'z sorry for bad answer. I'z sorry youz are mad. I gotz a better answer! When your humanz come to give youz the yumies, you sneaks out and pee on allz day green beanz! Then your sisterz think they are bad...and don't likez green beanz anymore. Then youz get all youz want!
Dear Crabby, Thaaanx you!!!!!!!!! I'z not angriez now, Gotz a go, momz is coming, hurry, hurry back to cage!
Hungry Behind Bars------ruuunz!
***Dear Crabby is not affiliated UEXPRESS.COM or any of its contributors. Dear Crabby is a fictional non-human character of questionable intelligence and judgement, and her advice is to be considered purely comedic.***
DEAR SCARED AND HUNGRY: Humanz are dumb. You need to let yourz mommy-tree know dat youz are mad. Da bezt way iz to poop and pee on dem--right down dee backs of der neck. It'z good spot--makes dem dance and make funny noizes!
***Dear Crabby is not affiliated UEXPRESS.COM or any of its contributors. Dear Crabby is a fictional non-human character of questionable intelligence and judgement, and her advice is to be considered purely comedic.***
Dearw Cwabby,
Ha! Are kiddin' me?? I do Dat all da time!!! She don like it one bit... Das Ok, I got dis... I poo-ed on her bed and she sat in it!!! Day got brown sheets!!!! Bwaa ha ha!!! Bes' part she tink Dottie did it!!!!
Love it! It's too true. Thanks for the early morning laugh Two Dog 
Buttercup 
Smores 
T'Pol, Elizabeth & Curzon 
dying here!!!!
What a little man he was!
